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it all cracks eventually

 

LA in the summer

I was highly aware of others as a child. But I thought that wouldn't suite me well and if I seemed aloof or distant others would be more intrigued. And sometimes they were. Sometimes not. Did it pass? Yes. As an adult I am still highly aware of others and want to know how they feel. Though could I now be perceived as someone who was just within themselves. There. In my moment. Focusing. Breathing. Being. COOL. No I'm still observing... everything. The sky, the stars, the sea, the leaves, the people around me, the business, the day to day, ins and outs, the sounds each train makes, each subtle movement around me. I see. I hear. Pivotal moments enhanced by teenage love, I at that moment wanted only them. Lusted, loved, liked, obsessed over. Did the idea of 'love' blanketed these moments? Forcing them to into ethereal wonder vs. reality. They were mine, like they were yours. I lingered in each patchwork thread. It felt nice to fall, escape, loose myself in you. No it felt fucking great. I guess I've always been somewhat willing to laze into life. The casual crawl towards another body back into bed. We all crave it. Skin sticking together, uncomfortably hot but un-wiling to melt away. My dear friend once said her favorite thing to do was to lay on hot cement and just melt. The blasting summer heat turning LA sidewalks into frying pans and us turning sunny-side up. Now that felt fucking damn good. Melting away my teenage heart angst. And maybe the copious amount of weed helped too.

 



a swirling of light and dark fluttering emotions, a glorious mess of life... 

do you like Monet?

but even if it's black and white

there's still confusion underneath




Monet makes me think of clueless

it's really not that deep

 

"nothing but the fine things in life" 

 

the day things change forever

bleary eyes stare into the sunburst horizon line

conflicting sadness consumes in random moments still

growth with pain is inevitable

 


embrace the opposition

 

today, tonight, tomorrow

an offering to mother nature on bare knees

bruised and bitten my sacrifice complete

with this agreement to be better

now I can rest at peace

 

cold day in Maine

my gut felt it coming

not mine to have

lost in you, I surrendered

my heart dismissed the inevitable

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